Wednesday, March 14, 2012

A Man and His Problems (2003)

(Some characters I did not have a name for at the time)

It is a sunny day outside and Mama and Brian are in the house in the living room.

Mama: so how you doing today baby?
Brian: Same as every other day mama.
Mama: That’s good.  So how is your girlfriend?
Brian: Fine as usual.
Mama: Well, if ya’ll are doing so fine then why those two hoochie mamas doing
calling here?
Brian: Well, I left one alone, but still she keeps stalking me.  The other I still keep in touch with from time to time.
Mama: Well I hope you don’t keep too much of a good touch with her if you know what I mean.  Besides you already have a good woman, so what do you need her for?
Brian: I kinda like them both.
Mama: Boy if you don’t make up your mind, things could come back to hurt you.   You can only have one or the other.  Boy you just as stupid as your father.

(Door bell rings---Shorty at the door)

Mama: Who the hell is that?  They couldn’t call first?  This house is a mess.  I hope they help me clean up to make up for their rudeness.
Brian: Ma, you know it can’t be nobody else but Shorty.

(Door opens--welcome shorty in house)
Shorty: Sup ya’ll.  What ya’ll in here doing?  Betcha nothing as usual.
Mama:   What do you want today?  We don’t have anymore money to lend to broke people.
Shorty: Hey I heard you yelling before you opened the door.  I guess I might as well help ya’ll clean up round here for some extra cash.
Mama: You still could’ve called first.
Shorty: You gonna pay my phone bill?
Mama: Hell naaw!
Shorty: ………So Brian where is your girl?
Brian: She on her way.
Mama: You could’ve told me you were expecting more company.  After all, this is my house!
Shorty: Yeah, mine too!
Mama: Boy shut up before I throw you out again.
Shorty: This household is lacking some serious love.

(Door bell rings---Main girlfriend)
(Open door)
Brian: Hey baby.
(Kiss on cheek)

Main girl.: I brought you a hamburger just the way you like it.
Brian: Thanks honey.
Shorty: Where mine at?  How you know I ain’t hungry?
Main: You ain’t none of my worries.
Shorty: Yeah, but I really need a woman that can cook.  I bet you can’t even cook.   That’s why you go to Burger King in the first place.  How you know mama didn’t cook?
Main: I only did what he asked.

Shorty: Boy you must don’t appreciate your mama’s cooking do you?
Brian: Yeah, well ummmmmm………
Shorty: Naw see, you got to be put out and imma take his place.  Okay mama?
Mama: Boy will you ever shut up?
Shorty: I don’t know if I can.
Main: Will you cook for your woman?
Shorty: Hell naw!
Main: What!?
Shorty: Hell to the naw!
Main:   You need a woman to teach you the true values of a relationship.
Shorty: Like what?
Main: Love, appreciation, affection, gifts,…….
Shorty: Huh?  I think you may need to repeat all of that.  It flew right over my head.  I don’t think I can understand any of that because I’m a PIMP!

(Brian laughs)
Shorty: So you gonna come home with me tonight?

(Brian stops laughing)

Brian: Hey that’s enough.

(Door bell----Mailman on Porch)

Mama: Well hello Mr. Mailman.
Mailman: I came to give you this mam.
Mama: Okay good……..Wait a second……….Why is this open?
Mailman: uummmmmmm………
Mama: Wait you been opening my mail again boy!  Wait right here while I return with my bat.
Mailman: No wait I can explain.  ……….I uuhhhhhhhh……Have a nice day!

(mailman runs away)
Mama: Imma report you next time!
Shorty: You said that last time.
Mama: Shut up before I use this on you.
Shorty: It’ll be your last time too.  Cuz police ain’t gonna like that.  It’ll be all over the news:  THIS JUST IN.  INSANE BAT MAMA STRIKES AGAIN!
Brian: Hey ma, we going out on a date.  See you later.
Shorty: Can I come?
Main: No, we don’t like little kids tagging along.
Shorty: Girl I’m older than you.  you fronting like you grown.
Brian: Never mind my crazy cousin baby, he’ll find something to do.
Shorty: Yeah, I’ll make myself right at home.

(Sits down next to mama)

Mama: Boy you ain‘t got to go home but you got to get the hell outta here!

(Couple leaves/exits)

Shorty: So its just you and me huh?
Mama: Don’t start with me, I’m not in the mood.

(Door bell----Preacher appears)

Mama: Hey Mr. Preacher.
Preacher: Hey I was just in the community and decided to stop by to see how things are around here.
Shorty: Uh-huh.
Preacher: I just wanted to see how well you were holding up since your husband passed.
Shorty: Uh-huh.
Mama: Oh-how nice of you.  I understand how the Lord may give it and take it away.  I’ve learn to cope with that.
Preacher: That’s good.  I also have to say you looking mighty nice today.
Mama: This isn’t much of what I have on.  I wasn’t expecting company.

(Preacher rubs face)

Preacher: Have I ever told how much of a beautiful face you have?  It reminds me of an angel in my dream.
Shorty: Man that was the weakest line I done heard in a long time.
Preacher: Excuse me?
Shorty: You could have came up with something better than that.  That was worst than saying "Did it hurt when you fell down from heaven?"
Preacher: You got some nerve disrupting grown folks conversation.
Shorty: Yeah, for a preacher you talking a little too grown, don’t you think so?
Preacher: Fine I’m leaving, but then I need to see you more often in church.  You always seem to come up missing.
Mama: I try to tell him he needs to go.
Shorty:   See, I would go to church more often, but I have this problem.
Preacher: What’s that?  Tell me about it.  I believe I can help you.
Shorty: It‘s kind of hard to say.
Preacher: Don’t worry, there’s nothing to be ashamed of.
Shorty: Okay. Here goes……I can’t never make it to church because it’s too dam early in the morning.  Why can’t it be around 3 o’clock when I’m just waking up?

(Preacher leaves)

Mama: Boy, didn’t I tell you to behave.  Get out now!  I’ve never been so ashamed.
Shorty: I’ll be back.  Same place.  Same time.

(He leaves)
(Later that day, Brian returns home)

Brian: Hey mama guess what happened today?
Mama: You moving out?
Brian: No.
Mama: Dam.
Brian: I’m getting married.
Mama: Why?
Brian: Because she is the one for me.
Mama: So what about the other two girls?
Brian: Forget them.
Mama: Really?  They not gonna forget you.
Brian: Oh well.  I’m not worried about it.

(Door Bell-----Neighbor)

Brian: It’s that nosey neighbor again.
Mama: Dam, what he want now?  

(Door opens)

Neighbor: How is everything?
Mama: Fine.
Neighbor: Mailman still giving you problems?
Mama: Yes.
Neighbor: I see.  Preacher still acting funny with you?
Mama: A little.
Neighbor:   I see.  Brian getting married?
Mama: I guess so……..Wait a minute.
Neighbor: I see.  And that meddling nephew of yours.
Mama: Oh he will never change.
Neighbor: I see.  Anything else I miss.
Mama: How do you know all these things?
Neighbor: Don’t worry.  I see and hear everything that goes around this neighborhood.
Mama: You’re an odd fellow.
Neighbor: Yeah, but I have nothing else better to do.  So have a nice day.

(He leaves)

Brian: He needs to get a life.
Mama: Everybody is his life.
(They laugh together)

(Door bell rings---Shorty and his Posse)

Mama: No, don’t you come here today.
Shorty: You gotta let me in.
Mama: Why?  I need a reason.
Shorty: You gotta let me in cuz I am who I am.
Mama: So who are you?
Shorty: What my name is!!!!!!!
Posse: SHORTEY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mama: Alright, but no trouble, you hear.
Posse(1): Don’t worry, we ain’t bout that.
(They enter- sit and watch T.V. with Brian)

Brian: What ya’ll up to?
Shorty: Came by to watch the game.
Brian: I’m not watching the game.  I’m watching the news.
Shorty: Yeah well….Watch it later.  The Lakers are on.
Posse: Yeah news is 24 hours now.
Brian: We don’t have cable.
Shorty/Posse: DAAAMMMMMMMM  HOMIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Shorty: So I heard you getting married.
Brian: Who told you?
Shorty: Your neighbor.
Posse: Now the whole town know.
Brian: For real?
Shorty: So what about the other two girls?
Brian: What about them?
Shorty: One is your ex and the other you see every now and then right?
Brian: Yeah….and?
Shorty: Can I have one and they share the other?
Brian: Man I swear you are crazy.
Shorty: So is that a yes?
Brian: Leave it alone and stay outta my business.
Posse: We are your business.
Shorty: You gonna ever move out?
Brian: Someday
Posse: You mean you haven’t planned it yet.
Brian: No. Not yet. I’m taking my time.
Shorty: How much time?  You are about to get married.
Posse: Got a promotion yet?
Brian: No. I’m working on it.
Shorty: How you gonna support your family?  Your mama can’t do everything.
Brian: Leave me alone now, I don’t want to be bothered.
Shorty: But what about the game?
Brian: (Now angry)  I said leave now!!!!!!!!
Posse: We’ll be back.
Shorty: Same place, same time.
Brian: Whatever.
(Door bell rings---the other girlfriend)
Shorty: Hey. uummm….What you doing here?
Other girl: You don’t live here.  Where’s Brian?
Brian: Right here.  Hey uummmm…
Other: No, wait.  Before you speak, I done heard about you and that girl.
Brian: O……..Who told you?
Other: Dammit, everybody knows.  Who doesn’t.
Brian: Dam that nosey neighbor.  I’m sorry you had to find out that way.  I really am.
Other: So when were you going to tell me?
Brian: Uummmmmm…….
Shorty: O…..this is getting real good.  Keep going….What?…….O Uummmmm….Did I come at a bad time?  Look, just act like I’m not even here okay.  I won’t tell, I promise…….Okay start…..Go head……Did I do something?
Other: You need to do something!  You need to leave us right now!
Shorty: No you do.
Other: Says who?
Shorty: Who else?  Look dummy, this is my world.  You just living in it!
Other: O…….I  could just hit you right now!  You always give me a hard time like you do everybody else.
Shorty: You ain’t gon touch me!
Other: (She gets in his face)  I’m sick of you!
Shorty: Look,  I won’t hit a woman, but I will shake the mess out one!
(He starts shaking her with every word he speaks)
Shorty: didn’t I tell you to shut up!
Brian: Ya’ll stop it right now!
Shorty:   Fine, I’ll be back..
Other: Just go!
Shorty: Oh no you didn’t!  I’ll be waiting outside for you!
(Leaves house--now outside--starts singing hit song)
Shorty: So I’m outside of your house and you think Im a punk!
Other: Silly boy.
Brian: You need to go too.  You shouldn’t be seen here.
Other: O….is that right?
(Neighbor peeping through window)
Other: Who is that outside your window?  He looking at us?
Brian: Hey go away!  That’s our nosey neighbor.
Other: Oh my God I’m so embarrassed.  Bye.
(She leaves)
Mama: What’s all that racket, I’m trying to sleep.
Brian: Shorty as usual.  Nobody else was here.
Mama: You sure honey?
Brian: Yeah.
Mama: Get some sleep because you look stressed.  I don’t like to see you like that.   After all, Mama loves you.
Brian: I love you too.
(Police sirens)
Brian: What’s going on outside?
Mama: Let’s find out.
Officer: Hey, what you two doing?
Shorty: She started it.
Officer: Ya’ll disturbing the neighbors with all your arguing.
Other:   Fine I’ll leave this stupid boy here.
Shorty: You dumb girl, you can’t even get all your thoughts together when you speak.  It’s like you’re have diarrhea at the mouth and constipated of the Brian.
(Posse arrives)
Posse: Ya’ll need to leave before ya’ll go to jail.
Other: That’s why you ugly, short, and can’t keep a woman.
Posse: OOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Shorty: Well, least I ain’t messing with other people’s man.  You need to get a job because you pursuing the wrong profession.
Posse: OOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Shorty: I ain’t down with O.P.P. (other people’s property) if you know me.
(Main girl arrives)
Main: Baby what’s going on?
Brian:   He arguing with this girl.
Other: This girl.  You don’t know me?
Brian: (Gets quiet)
Other: Fine I’ll remember that later.  I’ll get you back.  First I’m disrespected and embarrassed and now you don’t know me?  Okay, that’s how you wanna play.
(She storms off)
Officer: Okay, the show is over.  Everybody go home.  Hey ya’ll three stay here for some questioning.
Posse: Why?
Officer: Ya’ll have any narcotics or concealed weapons firearms on you?
Shorty: This ain’t the time for this man.  I got church tomorrow.
Officer: Okay Imma let you go this time but Imma be watching you all very closely.
Shorty: Yeah you do that, I like attention.
Mama: Everybody go home and get some sleep.
(The next day at home)
Mama: Church sho was nice today and I appreciate the preacher for announcing the upcoming wedding.  So are you ready for the big day?
Brian: Yeah, I have a bachelor party tonight.
Mama: Have fun.
(the next morning)
Brian: Oh my head hurts.  I drank too much last night.
(Doorbell-----the mailman)
Mailman: Here’s your mail for today mam.
Mama: You again.  Give it to me and make it quick.
Mailman: Here.  You need to read it, its important.
Mama: It’s open.
Mailman: it came like that….uummmm…..yeah.  See it wasn’t already sealed together and it just looked like someone opened it.
Mama: Imma report you.  But first I must beat you down.
Mailman: Please, I need my job.  I’m sorry for my carelessness.
Mama: Isn’t this the same speech you gave me last week?
Mailman: Have a good day mam.
(He leaves)
Mama: (Opens mail) Brian!  Come here.
Brian: Yes?
Mama: What’s this?  What have you done?
Brian: (Reads letter)  Oh no.  (Sits down)  This can’t be happening.
Mama: You got the other girl pregnant and can’t tell you to your face.
Brian: I hate I had to find out like this.
Mama: What about the wedding?
Brian: Imma still go through with it.
Mama: You gonna tell her?
Brian: No.
Mama: You’re stupid like your father.  Goodnight.
(They go to bed)

(Now the day of the wedding)
(The audience consists of every character and whoever else extra and everyone attends.  Piano plays wedding music.  Skip straight to the part where preacher asks if these two should be married, speak now or forever hold their peace.  Then Brian’s ex-girlfriend jumps up in an outburst.)

Ex-girlfriend: I had him before.  He ain’t no good.
(Audience grasps)
Ex: He ain’t nothing but a low down dirty dog and he always will be.  If he wanted to really settle down, then he would still be with me.  He marrying her because she is stupid, dumb, and blind.
Officer: Okay, that’s enough.  Let me escort you out.
Ex: No I will not leave.
Officer: Yes you will. (Takes her by the arm and they both leave)

(First there is a silence, then everybody looks at Brian.  Then they continue with the wedding, everyone leaves and the newly weds go on their honeymoon .Now they are lying in bed together.)
(Phone rings----it’s the wife close friend)
Friend:   Hey girl how is the honeymoon?
Wife: Oh just lovely girl.
Friend: I have something to tell you.
Wife: What?
Friend: The whole town is talking about ya’ll.
Wife: They happy for us?
Friend: Girl you so blind.  They say Brian got somebody pregnant.
Wife: Who?
Friend: The girl that got into a fight with Shorty the other night.
Wife: So that’s who she was.  Thank you for telling me girl.  I knew I could count on you.
Friend:   You mean he wasn’t going to tell you/
Wife: (Gets quiet) I gotta go, he’s coming.
(Brian enters room)
Brian: Hey honey.  What’s up?  Who was that?
Wife: Don’t worry about it!
Brian: Something wrong dear?
Wife: Why didn’t you tell me?
Brian: So you found out.
Wife: Everybody except me Brian.  How could you leave me out like that?  I hate I had to find out the way I did.  I feel so dumb, stupid, and blind.
Brian: I’m sorry.
Wife: I don’t know if I can go on like this .
Brian: But I love you.
Wife: I thought you did too; good night.
(They go to bed.  They return Mama’s house the next day)
Mama: Hey ya’ll, good morning.  Why do ya’ll look so upset/
Brian: Nothing really.
Wife: That’s only to you.
Mama: So you found out.
Wife: Don’t mention it please.
Mama: Don’t worry baby, everything is gonna be alright.
Wife: Dammit, no it’s not!  We don’t even have our own place.  I don’t have a child of our own, we not making a lot of money together, and you having a baby by another woman on the way.  I hate my life so much right.
Mama: Well, if you gonna speak in that tone and you feel like that, then maybe both of you should move out.
(Doorbell rings---Shorty)
Mama: oh no.
Shorty: Sup ya’ll.  Oh hey newly married couple.  So uummmm….. (Looks at wife) did you find out yet?
Mama: Boy!
Shorty: O…….Sorry….How rude of me…..So did you find out yet since I already asked because a I really wanna know.
Wife: Well that’s none of your business.
Shorty: You should tell that to the whole neighborhood.  Right now there seems to be a lot of hostility in here.  We all need to just relax a little.
Brian: Will you just shut up and go away?
Shorty: See why you always testing me?  Brian, I had an epiphany that you’re an enigma.
Brian: I can see that.
Shorty: And that I realize that God sent you here to test me.
Brian: Uh huh.
Shorty: And you not gonna break me man.  Oh no no no no no.  My therapist told me to just rub my ears when I’m frustrated and say Wusaa (From Bad Boys II movie).
Shorty: Now I want everybody to do it with me since ya’ll stressed.  On the count of 3.….1.….2.….3...
All: (everyone rubbing ears) WUSSAAAAAAAA……
Shorty: One more time..1.…2.…3.……
All: (Rub ears)   WUSSSAAAAAA……

Shorty: Very good.  I guess I’ll leave now.

(Back to Church)
Preacher: (Gives sermon on love and forgiveness.  Please fill in and make it kinda brief.

(Church is out)
(Now couple is approached by the pregnant girlfriend)

Other: Look, Imma be brief.  I heard the sermon today and I forgive you for what you did to me.  I just want to let you know I lied about being pregnant and that I’m not having your baby.
Brian: Why did you lie in the first place?
Other: Why you hurt me in the first place?
Brian: I’m sorry.
Other: me too.

(She leaves)
Wife: Baby, I have something to tell you.  I need to see a doctor because I missed my period.
(Doctor’s Office)
Doctor: Well, I have good news for the both of you.  She’s one month pregnant.
Brian: Yes!!!!!!!
Wife: You hear that honey.  We’re gonna be parents.
Brian: Lets tell everyone.  Mama gonna be so happy.
Doctor:   Okay have a nice day.

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