Saturday, June 23, 2012

Bath Salts Made Me Do It

I took a sniff
My body overheated
I took my clothes off
As a cyclist bypasses
He notices me in my underwear
Impulsive appetite comes suddenly
So I ate him
I picked up his helmet,
Put it on,
And did not fasten it
Now picture me riding
On a hot red bike,
In grey underwear,
Topped with a  yellow, unbuckled, aerodynamic helmet,
And white Nike socks on a sunny day
As hikers and their families taking pictures of me
As one of them probably called 9-1-1
Well...probably....not really sure
As that person was dialing on their fancy iPhone
I ate her out of suspicion
I walked to the woods on a full stomach
I stumbled on to a lumberjack
I ate him too
He had a cute little chainsaw next to his clothes on the ground
I took that and his red plaid shirt
Must be his uniform
A bear approached me
Must have smelled the meat
I revved my new chainsaw
It ran away
Hear my engine roar
I chased it for five seconds
Too full to keep up with wild animals
I put the live saw to a tree
Now the tree is dead
I think I'm scaring the spying birds
Then a forest ranger approaches
I think the birds told on me
Only if I could catch one
Petty snitches
He looks puzzled
The ranger ask me
Why am I wearing a
Plaid shirt,
White socks,
Grey underwear,
Yellow helmet,
And chainsaw in my  hands?
I told him
"The bath salts made me do it"
As he reached for his gun
I chopped it off with my new blades
He screamed too loud
He's scaring more snitches
Off with his head
Looks so yummy
I ate the lone ranger
Taste yummy too
Mushrooms never did this to me
I moved on to new designer drug
Bath salts give me power
I used my cute chainsaw
And found a cute stump from the tree I cut down
I carved a cute mushroom statue
Leaving my mark in these woods
I take the ranger's gun
Now I try to hunt those snitches
Now I travel deeper into woods
Then I stumble upon real mushrooms
I eat one for the hell of it
Now I feel sick
I think they're poisonous
I fall to the ground
Stomach cramps up
I freeze up at sight of that scary bear
It found me again
It roars
I vomit
Hope the birds tell again
I see it's teeth
Off to Hell I go
(Photograph courtesy of David Tyson Moore and

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